The Craziest Men Who Have Ever Lived?

Everyone goes a little bit nuts from time to time – it flushes out the soul. But next time you’re screaming at something that can’t hear you, or wearing your underpants on your head and dancing the fandango, spare a thought for these individuals, whose antics would embarrass a rabid baboon on a four-day mescaline binge.

Aleister Crowley (1875 – 1947)

Considered by many to be the “wickedest man who ever lived”, Crowley worshipped the demon God Pan and wrote many books which he believed were narrated to him by an ancient Egyptian spirit called Aiwass.

He enthusiastically took mind-bending drugs including laudanum, opium, cocaine, hashish, marijuana, alcohol, ether, mescaline and heroin. A dedicated follower of the occult, Crowley was a member of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn and regularly sacrificed animals for his beliefs.

There was some uneasiness between Crowley and the head of the Golden Dawn, S.L. MacGregor Mathers. They quarreled frequently until matters exploded when Mathers allegedly tried to summon an astral vampire to attack Crowley. Clearly determined to prove he was more insane, Crowley responded by calling out a legion of demons led by Beelzebub.

A little excessive, perhaps. Hiding his Ouija board would surely have sufficed.

Psycho-ometer: 9/10

Adolf Hitler (1889 – 1945)

Britain breathed a sigh of relief when Hitler signed the Munich agreement in 1938, agreeing to leave Czechoslovakia alone. In a letter to his sister, the British Prime Minister, Neville Chamberlain wrote: “I had a very friendly and pleasant talk (with Hitler), on Spain, economic relations with S.E. Europe, and disarmament.”

Meanwhile – doubtless cackling to himself – the man with the comedy moustache invaded Czechoslovakia, Poland, Norway, Luxembourg, Belgium, Holland, France, Monaco, Yugoslavia, Greece, Lithuania, Latvia and Estonia. He labeled the participants at Munich, “little worms”, and capped it all off by executing 6 million Jews.

Psycho-ometer: 10/10

Syd Barrett (1946 – 2006)

Not providing a strong case for the legalisation of LSD was Syd Barrett, founding member of 60’s psychedelic rock group, Pink Floyd. Barrett was exiled from the band after his abuse of the hallucinogenic drug led to him going utterly bananas.

In their final practice session he presented the band with a new song he’d written called, “Have you got it yet?” The irony being that the band would never get it, because he changed the arrangement every time he played it.

During later concerts with Pink Floyd, Barrett would wander around aimlessly on stage, seemingly lost in thought. He went on to lock his girlfriend in a cupboard for 3 days, and beat her over the head with a mandolin.

Psycho-ometer: 6/10

Boris Yeltsin (1931 – 2007)

The ex-Russian president was quite partial to a tipple or ten, and numerous reports of him being drunk during important political meetings have led to claims he was a full-blown alcoholic.

Yeltsin fired his entire cabinet staff four times between 1991 and 1999 – often for no discernible reason. During a speech in Stockholm he once allegedly drank a single glass of champagne, before claiming that Swedish meatballs reminded him of Bjorn Borg’s face. Shortly afterwards, he lost his balance and nearly fell from the podium.

In fact, things get considerably worse according to an interview with Bill Clinton, conducted by historian Taylor Branch. On a visit to Washington in 1995, Yeltsin was found in his underpants on Pennsylvania Avenue, smashed out of his mind, trying to hail a taxi to get pizza. Probably not the type of man you want in charge of your nuclear stockpile.

Psycho-ometer: 7/10

David Icke (1952 – Present)

Quite what happened to David Icke is anybody’s guess. After a short career as a footballer, he was quickly becoming a promising sports presenter for the BBC, before he appeared on the Wogan show in 1991 and claimed to be the son of God.

In later years, Icke developed a theory that the world’s major political leaders were actually reptilian extraterrestrials from the northern constellation of Draco. These alien lizards apparently serve what Icke describes as, “their overall master, the Luciferic Consciousness.”

Icke has previously accused George Bush, Tony Blair, Hilary Clinton and bizarrely, actor Kris Kristofferson of being in the iguana club. Never letting sanity spoil a good story, he has further claimed that the evil reptilians are shape-shifting Satan worshippers who drink blood and sacrifice children.

During one particularly brave speech in which Icke challenged the lizards, he demanded: “Come on, Ted Heath! Sue me if you've got nothing to hide! Come on, George Bush! I'm ready! Sue me! I'm naming names! Come on, Jon? Why are they refusing to sue me?”

Psycho-ometer: OVERLOAD

Jeffrey Dahmer (1960 – 1994)

When Jeffrey Dahmer was beaten to death by a fellow inmate at the Columbia Correctional Institute in 1994, his brain was actually retained for further study. Dahmer was a serial killer who put the depravity of other serial killers to shame. His tale had it all: torture, cannibalism, severed heads in the fridge, necrophilia and power saws. Perhaps the most disturbing part though, involved his alleged plans to build an army of zombie sex slaves. Dahmer believed he could achieve this by lobotomising his victims and injecting hydrochloric acid into their brains.

Incredibly, raising an army of zombies doesn’t count as an indication of insanity in Wisconsin, and Dahmer was declared legally sane before being sentenced to 957 years in jail.

Towards the end of his life, Dahmer became a born again Christian and seemed to be expressing doubt over his chosen career path when he said, “I should have gone to college and gone into real estate and got myself an aquarium, that's what I should have done.”

Psycho-ometer: Perfectly normal according to the jury that convicted him

Johnny “Mad Dog” Adair (1963 – Present)

Anybody bearing the nickname, “Mad Dog” is probably best avoided in general, and this former member of the Ulster Loyalists’ paramilitary faction is no exception. As head of the infamous “C Company”, he ordered the murder of dozens of Catholic civilians during the early 1990’s.

As a rule of thumb, your best chances of surviving an encounter with the “Mad Dog”, rest with not dropping the “C” bomb on him at any point. One journalist found this out the hard way – being informed that “Catholics usually travel in the boot” after confiding her love for the Pope. It’s a bit like the school bully asking you what football team you support. Only this time getting it wrong might result in a sustained mortar attack on your house.

So there we have it: our very own list of the most twitchingly insane minds ever to salivate into a bowl of porridge. If you enjoyed the journey then please return next month when we investigate the silliest haircuts of all time.

Until then: farewell. And stay away from the reptilians.

Amen.

Original Articles. Constant-Content.